Unsettled

Thanks to Adam Kring @adamkring for making this photo available freely on Unsplash 🎁. Title Lettering by Ruta Jamenis.

There’s a pain in my chest

A lump in my throat

A strange ache in my bones

There’s a gnawing feeling

That while everything’s in order

Something’s not quite right

I feel...uncertain

I feel like I’m sitting on a swing

Swinging high and low

My feet forever dangling

Never touching the ground

I feel...unstable

On a king sized bed, I lie all alone

With all the means to spread myself

But I stay curled up on one side

Never quite exploring, the other.

I feel...unrest

I stare at the wall, hours on end

Missing places where I was

Longing for places where I will be

Never living in the moment

Never ceasing today

I feel...ungrateful

I stand at the edge of the sea, gathering pebbles and shells

But as I pick one, the other falls from my grasp

I stand at the shore all day.

Never walking away, with what I have

I feel...unfulfilled

I dine at fancy restaurants

Eating meals of all kinds

But my mouth has no flavor

My tongue has no taste

For my eyes keep wandering

To the plates of everyone else

I feel...unsatisfied

I carry my existence in boxes

Moving from house to house

Decorating and cozying up loaned spaces

Resting for the moment but never hanging my hat

Like a ship that sets sail for months on end

Docking on ports periodically

Dropping off goods and passengers

Anchoring but never parking

I feel...unsettled

I live in places but never stay back

I stay on the fringes but never belong

I am not in on your jokes. 

I am not a part of your stories.

My presence in your lives is short lived.

Long enough to make an impression

Short enough to forget

I feel...unwelcome

My memories are scattered

My stories lack depth

My relationships are stuck in limbo

Like half built bridges that lead nowhere

Like buildings left unfinished

Laid on shallow foundations. 

Never built beyond the first floor

I feel...unrealized

Friendships, camaraderie, community

Are all around to see

But vanish when I try to touch

For virtual blends with the real

To create an optical illusion

Culture, Religion, Traditions

I have borrowed some and lost many

Shedding them each season, like leaves on a tree

Only to grow new foliage next year

I feel...untethered

My life is but a series of fleeting experiences

The sum of each part, lesser than the whole

These smoke and mirrors

These cloak and daggers

How long shall they transpire?

When will this all end?

I have no answers

For the manual that you all hold in your hands

That guide you each day

Is one that I don’t possess

For mine was never delivered to me

It was lost in the mail.